It's funny

When people compare themselves to other people. I mean, sometimes it's acceptable like when you're being all like "why would so and so pick so and so over me?" and stuff like that. But when it comes to how someone lives their life.. Other people just need to shush their face. Like, right now, I'm being lectured on something by a friend who's about a year younger than me. I was a late bloomer for this sort of thing, and she was a early/normal bloomer. She started in 7th grade and blah blah blah. We're two completely different people and she's trying to tell me how to deal with something.

You can't tell me how to deal with something when we're completely different people, different lives, different everything. So eff this sort of stuff.. It's funny, but annoying as heck.

I'm a hopeless romantic.

That's all there is to it. I'm constantly in need of affection, even if that affection comes from a source miles away. Luckily I'm not much of a fan of physical things (aside from cuddling/hugs/the occasional kiss) because if I was, I would be in a life of hell. However a lot of people aren't as emotionally driven as I am thus creating difficult situations.

It's a rare occasion that I find myself being completely happy in a relationship. The reason behind this is because so many people feel the need to make everything physical, and I'm just not like that. The thing is, I respect myself way too much and a lot of sexual acts terrify me. Physically I move slowly in a relationship, I invest all my emotions into the relationship before I even consider pouring endless amounts of physical satisfaction into one. This is probably why I get hurt easily, and is also probably why a lot of my relationships end. It's not like I get dumped often, in fact it's the other way around.

I get so fed up with people trying to pressure me into doing things to them/for them/with them. It gets to the point that I can't stand it anymore, it starts to get disrespectful. I just want someone to be able to deal with my pace.. It's not like I'm a horrible person. I understand having physical needs, and that's why I'm open to the idea of being in an open relationship as long as I never heard anything at all about the other person/people.

Anyways.. Being a hopeless romantic is a pain in the toosh. I form crushes easily, but I end those crushes just as easily if there's a reason. I get my feelings hurt way too often, and I pretty much feed off of those sweet little things that people say to me when they don't necessarily mean them to the extent that I take it. One day I'll find myself in an amazing relationship, I'm sure of it. I mean.. There's someone out there for everyone, right? You just have to weed out all of the wrong ones before you find the right one. :]

I love just about every holiday to death, but..

I have honestly never been so close to just wanting to starve myself. I mean, summer is just around the bend!! And I'm still like ten pounds away from the weight that I want to be this summer. I mean.. Physically, I totally can see a difference from this time last year and now. I have more confidence and I've been getting more compliments than at any other point in my life. It's just I don't feel good enough about myself to feel comfortable in a bathing suit. I'm determined to get down to at least somewhere in the 120's by the time school's out. Honestly, I think I can do it. I know I can do it. I just need some support and I need to stop giving in to cravings. It'll be easier once I get a job though, I'm sure of it. Once I get a job then I'll be too busy to have time to sit down and eat a ton of junk food. I mean, maybe once in a while I'll eat some Oreos & Peanut butter, but it won't be all the time.

Anyways, I feel like I need to like starve for a week ha ha. I won't though. I refuse to lose weight in an unhealthy way! 

Oh so done.

I'm irrational, that's really all there is to it. I'm obsessive and irrational. That's why I get upset when I don't get attention from a certain individual who will remain anonymous until the end of time. I mean, I figure out he thinks someone else is attractive, and what do I do? I get angry. I feel replaced, but just to clarify: I'm nothing at all to this person, and they shouldn't be anything to me. It's just one of those internet crush type dealios that everyone seems to be getting from what I can tell. By everyone I mean all the people who lack a life, like me, and spend a majority of their time talking to random strangers on the internet.

Moving on though! I've come to the conclusion that I need to just forget him and move on. Just accept that we'll be distant friends who talk from time to time. I came to this conclusion like a month or so ago, but it's not until right this second that I've decided that I need to actually follow through with the whole canceling this crush thing. So yup. I'm going to stop checking up on what he's doing. If he wants to talk, he can talk to me.

Why the heck am I so needy?

Drive in theater is post poned

Until I have no idea, ha ha. Originally it was going to be this weekend, but my friend ended up going to her Dad's for the weekend. I offered next weekend, but there's too many people making plans with her so yeah. Anyways, I'm going to see how long I can last on this silly little diet. The longest will just be until I go to the drive in at which point the diet will end. :] It's not really a diet, it's just I wanna see how long I can eat just carrots & bread while drinking only water & pineapple juice before I become bored/tired with the stuff.. :]

One day I intend to

• Get my hips pierced.
• Get some tattoos, hah.
• Travel through Canada.
• Make some money.
• Spend said money.
• Get a French Bulldog and name it Gatsby or Fransisco.
• Date (and possibly marry) a Doctor.
• Start wearing dresses/skirts on a regular basis.
• Lose 10 pounds.
• Have the confidence to wear a normal bathing suit.
• Become a cosmetologist with a bachelors degree in psychology.
• Watch every episode of Gilmore Girls ever produced.
• Live in a cozy apartment in Portland or LA.
• Make my own clothes/jewelry without them looking like garbage.

I'm going 50's!

As a result of accidentally snipping my bangs a little too short, I've decided that I will be dressing a little similar to the 1950's, or rockabilly, or psychobilly, or whatever the frick you'd like to call it. I dunno. I'll be dressing according to my hair though, and that means I'll be unable to wear the garments that I usually wear [aka over-sized shirts/sweaters with either flare type jeans or straight legged jeans & moccasins] but I'm okay with that. Today was day one, and I got a number of compliments. Oh but I did not wear the outfit pictured above, nope. That's what I'm going to be wearing to the drive in. :]

Instead, I wore a cute sweater dress with black leggings & saddle shoes. I had twisted/pushed two sections of my hair up to get a some what pin up look type dealio going on. I honestly kind of feel the need to start wearing small amounts of lipstick though. It seems that Spring '11 is bringing out a vintage side of me. :] I've been becoming obsessed with the looks of the pin up girls from the 1950s. o_o

Hi, my name's Kat and I'm a terrible person.

Sure I'm just being hard on myself and suffering from some teen angst or some nonsense like that, but I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I'm a walking contradiction, first of all. I'm not even my own person because everyone and everything that I ever come in contact with influence my thoughts and actions a great deal. I'm a hopeless romantic, and this trait has caused me to get hurt so many times because I'll make up these amazing scenarios and then when reality hits, it hits hard. I expect people to be there for me, to talk to me and comfort me in my times of need, or at least just talk to me kind of often since I spend so much time letting them pour all their personal problems on me. I always thought that was a reasonable expectation, but I've recently discovered that it's really not.

I'm just so unhappy with the situation that I've gotten myself in to. I mean.. I was happy at first because I was falling for a really cute guy, but of course it was never going to work. The first and biggest problem is the distance dealio. You see, I get in these situations from time to time where I start developing crushes/feelings for people that I've met online and stuff. I'm thinking that it's probably a relatively common occurance amongst my age group nowadays. Anyways, I was happy. Then after confessing my attraction to this fellow (keep in mind that I would have never in a million years done such a foolish thing if it wasn't for the fact that he had confessed first) things began to change. We went from talking quite frequently to hardly talking. When we do talk now, on that rare occasion, it's mainly him complaining about whatever little pathetic problem he's having with his parents or friend or some bull-manure like that. Never once has he sat there and listened/comforted me when I needed it, and I don't need it that often at all!! Whatever problem I end up having I can generally deal with on my own. Anyways.. I'm tired of him, but I can't seem to just forget him. It's like that stupid deal where you want what you can't have. I can't have him because he lives down in California, and I honestly don't want that douche anymore, but at the same time I just can't get enough of him. I'm positive that it's because I can't have him. Why else would I be so attached, hm? I just need to get a hand on this all and sort it out for myself.


Anyways.. I'm hungry, and stressed. I'm a stress eater. Fuck my life. Oh well, ha ha. Time to try and go to bed.

It's interesting.

I have come to expect so little from someone. I used to feel a sense of I don't know, dependency? On this person, but now I just don't care. This person can either take the time to talk to me or not, they can decide to take a small portion of their day.. like five or ten minutes.. to ask me how I'm holding up, or they can just not acknowledge me. I've just stopped caring. It doesn't matter to me. I'm not going to sit here and wait around for them to call me or something. I have things to do, people to meet, and places to be. Why should I dedicate any of my precious time to them if they aren't going to do the same for me? Isn't it sad how someone who I have just recently met shows more emotion for me than someone that I've known for a while? It's just horrible/pathetic/whatever. Luckily I won't beat myself up over it. I'm not going to hate myself for something that someone else is doing.


Anyways, point is. I'm probably going through the stages of whatever, haha. First I was pissed, then I was sad/hurt, then I was in denial, and now I think I'm in the whole coping with it all stage, haha.

Ya know what I love?

I love how you can spend hours sitting there, listening to someone's problems, and trying to comfort them. I love how you can do this even if it means ignoring other people and not doing anything for yourself for that period of time. The best part is when you start having a serious problem and you go to talk to that person that you spent so much time trying to comfort about it, and they completely blow you off. You know.. Apologizing once, and then going off to do shit with their other friends. I just love it!! I mean, how selfless is that? Maybe I'm just the one being selfish, expecting them to sit there and comfort me about the fact that my Mom's in the hospital because she had a heart attack. Yup, that must be it. Maybe they're tired of me being so damn selfish. :]